why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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