Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
