so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
