You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
