you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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