I wanna bring you to show and tell
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
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Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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