The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
