We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
