just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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