I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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