Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize