i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
