So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
