If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
