birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
