So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
