I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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