theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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