Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
