I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
