he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
