Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
