Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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