i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
