I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
