you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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