No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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