I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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