fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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