well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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