i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
