Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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