im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
