ugly people sure do ruin things
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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