I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
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Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
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We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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