I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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