i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
