Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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