if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
