My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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