actually, I'm a sock model
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
