So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
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She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
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maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
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