Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
