dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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