Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
