she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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