Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
