there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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