a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
