There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
