phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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