No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
