Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
