I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
