I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
