found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
