omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize